A Survival Guide for Today

We hear a lot of talk that if the United States were allowed to compete on an equal footing with foreign manufacturers, our product quality and marketing skills would once again make us No. 1 in the world. Well, I offer for consideration the following true story (I've protected the names of the manufacturers involved, but any connoisseur of little chocolate doughnuts will recognize their identities).

Brand X is recognized as the Cadillac of little chocolate doughnuts -- light, fresh, with a chocolatey coating that is thick. Sweet. Oh-so-yummy. Most people's first choice.

But we don't always have a choice. The micro-mini-market near me (selling "booze 'n' munchies," according to its sign) carried only Brand Y -- heavy, dry little chocolate doughnuts with a dark, oil-slick coating that leaves you looking as if you've just been fingerprinted.

Still, when you wake up at the crack of noon needing little chocolate doughnuts to get your day started, you take what you can get.

(Anyone who asks why I don't just go to the supermarket once a week and buy the ValuePak of Brand X little chocolate doughnuts should stop reading. You've no understanding of the American consumer and will miss the point of the story.)

One morning, overcome by the urge for little chocolate doughnuts, I walked into the booze 'n' munchies store for a dose of Brand Y's LCDs.

With a grimace, I bit into one. WHAM! Light, fresh! Oh-so-yummy! I looked at the package: no "New and Improved!" No "Now with even MORE Chocolatey Goodness!" But yes -- they were good! Almost as good (dare I think it?) as Brand X!

I could purchase Brand Y little chocolate doughnuts proudly, no longer afraid that others were looking upon me with scorn ("Mommy! He's buying Brand Y!" "Don't point, Junior. Some people aren't as fortunate as we are...."). It was a wonderful day!

A month later the booze 'n' munchies store was sold. The new owner was behind the counter one morning as I bought my pack of Brand Y little chocolate doughnuts.

"Going to start getting Brand X," he said.

"Great, although these have gotten a lot better."

He shrugged. "Well, now you'll have your choice."

You'll have your choice! Boy, that's the American way.

Sure enough, a few days later, there they were, side-by-side: Brand X and Brand Y. What a great moment it was, being able to buy Brand X little chocolate doughnuts, the BEST little chocolate doughnuts. Only....

Something strange hit me midway through my first pack of Brand X little chocolate doughnuts in months -- I missed Brand Y. Had I grown accustomed to Brand Y's lower quality? Was Brand X too rich for my blood?

The next day I held a taste test, alternating a little chocolate doughnut from Brand X with one from Brand Y. After 12 little chocolate doughnuts, I arrived at the startling conclusion: Brand Y had surpassed Brand X in chocolatey yumminess. I switched back to Brand Y. And I was happy. For about two weeks.

One morning I stumbled into the B 'n' M store for breakfast. No Brand Y little chocolate doughnuts. They weren't just out -- the entire rack was gone. Little chocolate doughnuts, cupcakes, wholesome snack pies -- everything.

"The Brand Y people refused to be in the same store with Brand X," explained the owner. "Said if I kept selling Brand X, they'd pull out."

"But I like their little chocolate doughnuts better than Brand X's," I protested.

He shrugged. "Love to sell both, but Brand X has the better name."

So I bought Brand X. Don't get me wrong -- they were good. But they weren't Brand Y.

Next morning, Brand X was sold out.

"Distributor comes Thursdays," said the owner. This was Saturday.

After a little-chocolate-doughnutless weekend, I went into the store Monday. There, where once the Brand Y rack had stood, was a rack of Brand Z products -- cupcakes, wholesome snack pies and...little chocolate doughnuts. I bought a pack.

Eeyew!

Brand Z little chocolate doughnuts are not as bad as the old Brand Y little chocolate doughnuts were, but Brand Z little chocolate doughnuts, as I'm sure you experts will agree, simply have no taste. They're only good for the desperate times when Brand X is sold out.

Which is usually. The booze 'n' munchies store gets its shipment of Brand X little chocolate doughnuts every Thursday. By Friday, they're sold out.

"I tell the guy every week to bring more," shrugs the owner. "Now, the Brand Z guys, they always make sure we're stocked."

Using the booze 'n' munchies store as our representative sample of the American market, what have we learned?

Brand X, the brand with the best reputation, ignores feedback and winds up selling a fraction what it could.

Brand Y, the brand with the best product, refuses to compete in an open market.

Brand Z, the worst of the three, is left to score the biggest sales.

Now, as I sit here munching yet another Brand Z little chocolate doughnut, I can't help but wonder. In the huge conglomerate headquarters of Brand Z's parent company, just what language do you suppose they're speaking?

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